Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a path that we cannot always see clearly. Do I say that I forgive you or do I mean it?

How do we know the difference? Especially when we believe we are meaning what we say.

I am currently working on this very issue. There is something in my past that is so dark (done to me) that I have been struggling with this for the past thirty five years.

I am finding that I first need to forgive myself. (Because I blame myself.) The reality is the person that did this to me is the one to blame. I was only five at the time, how could I be at fault? Well, as much as I know that to be true I am not following the path.

Or am I?

It is one that has many turns and corners that I don't know what will be around the next one. I can't really see very far in front of me which makes it all the more challenging.

I need to say to myself that "I forgive you". I forgive me for blaming myself. I forgive the fact that I have spent so long looking for the answer. Most of all I need to forgive the pain and suffering I have had to endure, because I cannot find forgiveness.

With all of that being said, how do I know that I am truly on the path of Forgiveness?

The struggle in me is like a very rocky road. It feels like a gauntlet. I do know that stuff is starting to shake loose. This is because I am learning about my inner child. My inner child, (the wounded one) has been, for the past thirty five years, keeping me from finding the Forgiveness that I seek.

All my wounded child knows is to create a wall around myself. I hear it say "this will protect you". But that couldn't be further from the truth. All that does is stop me from dealing with whatever I need to deal with. It also shuts people out of my life. Especially the ones that I love most.

How is that "protecting" me? Who is that really protecting?

Well, of course when you are a child you don't think like an adult. You think like a child. You act out (or act within) because you don't know any better.

("Acting out" might be throwing a temper tantrum to someone. "Acting within" is having that same temper tantrum to yourself. Inside your own mind. Neither one is a healing solution.)

I have come to believe that this wall is my wounded child's way of protecting himself. Not me, but I am one and the same, so this has a direct impact on me, of course.

I am reaching the point of saying to my child "I no longer need the 'wall'". I am reaching the point of saying, "thank you for helping me through all of these years, now I would like to do something different. It is okay that you did that because you thought that was right. Well I thought that too. However, now I would like you to trust me when I say that we can truly heal by working on our past. We can heal together."

Forgiveness is not an easy road. One day I am in a good place, the next I am shaken to the core. However, I am healing. I really do feel that this journey is worth the effort.